Transitional Gaming: How Game Culture Changed as I Became a Man

I’ve been a gamer for as long as I can remember. At two, I was fussing with the secondhand Apple II e and Atari 7800s placed in front of me. Unlike many other parents, my mother was more than happy to let me play these games. There were times when it became an issue, such as me playing The Sims from morning to night, but otherwise it was viewed as a positive hobby. The friends I had in school, both male and female, all gamed as well. I never felt out of place due to gaming.

It was only when I became a teenager that I realized that there was something flagged as odd if you were a female-bodied person interested in games. The hints came quickly. It probably had something to do with the fact that the internet was flourishing intensely around the time. When Kotaku launched I was drawn to it instantly. Sure, there were other sites but this one seemed to be perfect for me at that point in my life.

It was 2004 and I was 14. Kotaku brought ridiculous web videos, scantily clad women, and also lots of gaming news to me day in and day out. Defining myself as a bisexual, I ate up the sexist depictions of pixelated women with no qualms. This was perfect. This was just what I needed in my young teenage life. However, when wishing to bring my joy and excitement to the comments was the time I realized that this wasn’t my home base.

Through my previous web socialization on female-heavy sections of LiveJournal, I saw no issue in using an “obviously” female username. On Kotaku this counted as “whoring” out my gender, as something completely terrible to do. Although other members had terms like King or Man in their names they were not called out in the same way. Only the women who ever made passing reference to their genders were targeted. None of us were welcome. Not even I was though everything else felt so fun about the site. I stopped commenting.

Still retaining some youthful ignorance, I then visited the one and only IGN Live convention in 2005. It was my first gaming-specific con and was my last for a long while. Although the convention was filled with new games that I would go on to enjoy it was also permeated with a strange atmosphere. It was like the Kotaku comments but in a physical space. Nobody said anything to me in particular but it was obvious that I was not welcome there. Men and boys took up all the kiosks and it felt like they were ignoring me in line. They probably were - assuming I was just there with a guy. Despite my massive interest in gaming this was still not something okay for me to do.

It was confusing to grow up loving games but feeling ostracized. I was more hardcore than many frequenting the same sites and yet pushed away. I felt no different from anyone else who was “allowed” to be a part of these online worlds but that didn’t change anything. As I grew I became disgusted with the way these sites operated. It became clearer and clearer that they were obviously pandering to one specific audience. I quickly was phasing out of the audience I had once wanted so desperately into but it still made me angry.

Around the time I was unpacking the sexist nature of gaming blogs I was also beginning to unpack the confusion I felt with my own gender. Around 16 came the realization that I was trans all along. However, it was hard to believe this truth so it was wrestled over internally for years. It almost felt as if I just so desperately wanted to be a part of the crowd for my hobbies. It seemed like I would be completely invalidating the strides I made in becoming a feminist to suddenly turn “into the enemy”. If I were to be male would I have been like the hordes of Kotaku commenters? Would anyone ever take me seriously as a feminist again? Would both communities shun me? It took a few more years to unpack it all and come to the conclusion that transitioning was something I had to do.

And then, as soon as I did, the way the gaming populous interacted with me changed. No longer was  I harassed or asked for photos of myself. No longer was I asked strangely probing questions. No longer was I tested as to how “real” a gamer I was. No longer did anyone question my credentials about games I made comments on or suggest that I was stupid for simply having opinions. Everything had changed by simply slipping into a male name. I realized quickly that this is what male privilege is and that it is 100% real in the gaming world, as well as everywhere else.

This year I went to E3. No one batted an eye at me or anything else deemed odd. I was simply a face in the crowd of zillions of men there. I saw women on the show floor as well, although the majority were those working for booths. Those women were promoted by most booths as figures to take photos with and ogle (judging by their uniforms). Some of my peers may have not cared about it, but I know that others did take issue with it. Regardless, I felt entirely uncomfortable with booths like Atlus assuming I’d want to take a photo with them just because I grabbed one of the free shirts. “At least I didn’t turn into one of those guys”, I recall thinking, as an extremely pleased man jumped between two of the women for a photo.

Nothing extraordinary happened to me at E3. Yet I heard the story of a woman who was trying to do her job and found the promoter taking the control out of her hands. Why? Because she was a woman? They would have not done that to anyone else - not to me either. Even if I had lived 20 years in the body of a female no one would now question me because... Because of what? Because now I had a flat chest and sideburns.

I don’t want it. I don’t want this privilege but it has been thrust onto me. Almost as soon as I began hormone treatments the world began to treat me as male. Gamers will happily talk to me about games, rather than wondering about how many months I’ve been gaming, or if Dragon Age was my first game. Industry “professionals” will treat me with some degree of respect. The online gaming populous won’t find issue with me in a game when I speak in a mic. They’ll just get mad when I stink at a game. The readers of my work will generally take the time to read it before slinging insults instead of by default.

Because I know what it was like before the world saw me as male I know that there is a difference. Other people in similar situations have probably seen it bluntly as well. There is a distinct difference between the way the gaming populace, and the rest of the world, will treat you based simply off your gendered appearance. Gaming is not a solely male activity and it never has been, but that doesn’t stop so many from acting like it’s their personal club. It doesn’t help that many developers, publishers, and journalists are more than happy to pretend that’s true.

If everyone had to grow up and then choose their gender then I think we’d be more able to see the obvious differences in how the genders are treated. If there were no “forced” gendering of people then things would be different, but our society seems stuck on the idea that we need men and women as separate entities, lest the whole world suddenly collapse into chaos. Gamers always argue that there’s no need for the term “girl gamer” but then many go on acting as if there’s some proof that women don’t game or are doomed to suck at it. This certainly isn’t relegated to the realm of teenage boy minds either, as FatUglyorSlutty has demonstrated in voice posts.

When people suggest that gaming is truly a hobby for everyone I will agree. Both women and men can enjoy any game they want, from Peggle to Mass Effect 3 to Bulletstorm. There is no gender that is “only” able to play shooters or flash games. However, if someone tries to say that the hobby as a whole is for everyone then I’m not so sure. Many reading this probably do not treat their gaming buddies differently because of gender. That’s great and how it should be. However, it doesn’t change the fact that advertising, character designs, and everything else are still squarely pushing for the idea of men playing games. Not all men either, but a certain kind of man. The man who loves guns and boobs is the one meant to play games. It’s insulting to everyone involved, but also ostracizes many.

You can learn to deal with it. You can grow up entrenched in these ridiculous depictions of women and men in games and grow to almost accept it. You can learn to laugh at “trolls” who make rude comments about game journalists just because of their gender.  But don’t ever say that the gaming hobby is open and accepting of all types. There are many types it is still largely uncomfortable with. I know because I’ve inhabited both sides. Things are getting better, but with every step forward, the stronger the push back becomes. You don’t have to call yourself a “feminist” but acknowledge that the gaming world is a tough place for a woman to be sometimes. Realize that, no, everything is not better and that more needs to be done. Becoming someone who advocates for change is a start.